Assassin
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.”I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
The Bachelor
A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to
In a few hours, Steve was back home, having cut his trip short in grief and in anger at his friend. He told his friend, “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent the message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today,’ and the next day you could’ve written ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days into his trip, he returns to his hotel and there’s a message waiting for him from his friend.
The message read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”
Duck Hunter
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He invited a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog immediately jumped into the water. Amazingly, he didn’t sink, but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but didn’t say a word. On the drive home, the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.”
The Son-In-Law
A successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter,” he said, “and to welcome you into the family, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted him. “I hate factories. I can’t stand all the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then, you’ll work in the office and take care of some of those operations.”
“Oh, I also hate office work,” countered the young man. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” the exasperated father-in-law said, “I just made you half owner of a multi-million dollar
money-making organization, but you say you don’t like factories and won’t work in the office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” replied the smug son-in-law. “Buy me out.”
New Age Humor
What did the Zen master say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Atom Humor
Two atoms are drinking at the bar. Suddenly one says to the other, “I’ve just lost one of my electrons!”
“Are you sure?” asks the other.
“Yes,” replied the first atom. “I’m positive.”
Nun On The Run
A nun stepped out of the doctor’s office, saying her rosary rather loudly as she hurried down the hospital corridor. Another doctor witnessed this, and went to ask her doctor about it.
“Hey, what happened? The nun ran out of here praying her rosary as though it were the end of the world!”
“Oh, I just told her she was pregnant.” The first doctor replied.
“Oh my! Is she?”
“No, but it sure cured her hiccups!”
Speed Limit
A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What’s the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replied, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? I’m following the posted speed exactly!”
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the officer asked, “Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Neighbors
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who’s at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob.
Before she can say a word, Rob says, “I’ll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him.
He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves.
Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, “Who was that?”
“It was Rob from next door,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says. “Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?”
English 101
A linguistics professor was attempting to teach his class something about the rules of grammar. “In English,” he said, “a double-negative forms a positive. But in other languages, such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative.”
Smoothing his beard and looking down his nose at the class, he continued, “However, there is no language wherein a double-positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the classroom interrupted. “Yeah, right.”
It’s All In The Pronunciation
Two tourists driving through
Standing at the counter, one tourist decided to resolve the issue by asking the employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce the name of where we are? Slowly, please?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrr, grrrrrrrr, Kiiiinng.”
The Preacher
Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and
Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Tony died. He said, “You know, Tony handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Tony, I’m sure it’s a wonderful message.”
He opened the note, and read, “Get off my oxygen tube!”
Last Confession
Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Kristi,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Kristi,” he said in his tired voice.
“I...I Have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Kristi.
“Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!”
“I know,” Kristi whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
The Bear
Two campers are awakened by the sounds of an obviously large bear outside their tent, looking for food at their campsite. Immediately, Chris pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack and quickly puts them on. Incredulous, his friend Michael says, “There’s no way you can outrun that bear.”
Chris replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”
Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Soon she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of the expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I’ll explain it to you.”
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, then fell to the floor with a heart attack. The medic asked what had triggered the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, and two without.”
Bill At The Ballgame
It was the first game of the season. President Clinton and the First Lady were invited to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Right before the game started, the President picked up Hillary and threw her onto the field. George Steinbrenner turned around and shouted,
“No, Mr. President, I said throw the first PITCH!”
Wishing Well
A couple goes to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, “WOW! It really works.”
The Juggler
A driver was pulled over for speeding by a police officer.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several swords in the car. “What are those for?” she asked.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer requested.
So he got out the swords and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take at the cop and the juggler, and said, “My God! Look at the drinking test they’re giving now.”
Brown-Noser
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
The CEO said with a worried expression, “This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”
“Sure,” said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Thank you so much!” said the CEO. “I need two copies.”
Groceries
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bag of shredded lettuce
1 can of beans
1 gallon of milk
1 loaf of bread
1 pound of ham
The checkout guy says, “You’re single, right?”
The woman says, “How did you know?”
He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”
Pearls
Two elderly women who hated each other met at a party. The first woman asked, “Oh my, are those real pearls?”
The other lady answered, “Why, yes!”
“There are so many fakes these days, the only way I could tell if they were real is if I could bite them,” sneered the first lady.
The second responded, “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”
Posh Hotel
A guest at a posh hotel called over the headwaiter one morning in the breakfast room.
The waiter gave him a cheerful smile and said, “Good morning, Sir! How can I help you?”
The guest replied, “What a wonderful morning it is! I’d like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it’s runny and the other so overcooked that it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, I want some grilled bacon that’s been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away when you touch it with a knife; some butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of weak, lukewarm coffee, please.”
“Why, I’m sorry, Sir,” the waiter replied, “but we cannot do that for you!”
“Oh, really?” The guest replied. “But that’s exactly what I got yesterday!”
Dental Extraction
A man walked into a dentist’s office one day and asked the dentist how much it would cost to extract his wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist said.
“Why that’s a ridiculous amount,” the man replied. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist said, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to about sixty dollars.”
“That’s still too expensive for me,” the man complained.
“Okay,” the dentist tried, “if I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging twenty dollars.”
The cheap customer moaned, “It’s still too much for me.”
The dentist scratched his head. “Hm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just ten dollars.”
“Wonderful!” said the man. “Book my wife for next Tuesday!”
A Penny Swallowed
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”
Alligator Pool
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?
The guy says “Listen I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me into that pool!
Where Am I?
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
“Why are all the blinds closed?” she asked her doctor.
“Well,” the surgeon responded, “They’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.”
New CEO
A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you can’t solve,” he said.
Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The paper inside simply said, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” He did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight for the third envelope.
The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
The Joking Boss
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she said. “I’m leaving Friday.”
Company Memo
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!
Enchanted Frog
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel happy doing
so.”
That night the princess dined on frog’s legs, laughing to herself and saying, “I don’t think so.”
Baby Baby
Four expectant fathers were in a
“What a coincidence!” the man exclaims. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”
“Wow, what a coincidence!” he replies. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
“Another coincidence!” he tells her. “I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, “I work for Seven-Eleven!”
Church Requirements
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”
“Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
It’s In The Genes
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with spiked hair colored orange, green, and blue. After a few moments, the young man noticed him staring and said, “What’s the matter, old man, haven’t you ever done anything wild?”
The old man smiled and said, “Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son.”
Family Man
After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” the man replied, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
The doctor warned, “That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”
Running Late
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
“Boss,” he said, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”
The Very Nervous Man
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart, the doctor nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked, “How often do I take these?”
“Let’s start off with one every six hours. But they’re not for you,” replied the doctor. “They’re for your wife.”
Lottery Winnings
A man spends a dollar for a lottery ticket and wins! He goes to town to claim his prize and his ticket number is verified. The man says, “I want my $20 million.”
The clerk replies, “Well, we give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”
The man says, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”
Again, the clerk explains that he would only get one million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The man, furious with the clerk, screams, “Look, if you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”
Wee Problem
Three old men were sitting around the old folks home talking about their problems. One old man said, “Every morning I have to get up and stand in front of the toilet for about twenty minutes before anything finally decides to come out.”
The second man said, “That’s nothing. Every morning I sit on the toilet for an hour trying to have a bowel movement.”
The third man chimed in, “That’s nothing! Every morning atsix o’clock I urinate and at
The other two men looked at each other, then one said, “So what’s the problem?”
The third old man replied, “I don’t wake up till eight!”
Write It Down!
An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn’t forget. Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, “Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you’re up.”
“Okay.” he said. “...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too.” She added. “You’d better write all this down.”
“I won’t forget.” He said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.
She glared at him. “Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you’d forget.”
“What did I forget?” He asked.
She replied, “My toast!”
Bum
A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man says, “If I give you money, will you buy booze?”
The bum answers, “No.”
Then the man wonders, “Well, will you gamble it away?”
The bum says, “No.”
Finally the man asks, “Then will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
Portrait
A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. So she told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you’re not wearing any of those things!” the artist pointed out.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
Watermelons
A farmer in the country discovered that some kids had been stealing fruit from his watermelon patch. So he put up a sign that read “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
RAT POISON!”
The farmer returned to the patch a week later and discovered that all of his watermelons were still there,
but he found another sign that read “NOW TWO OF THEM DO!”
Ba-Dum-Ching!
A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve poultry!”
The chicken replies, “That’s okay. I just want a drink.”
Groan, Groan, Arggghhh!
What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
Two lips!
What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-Hurty!
On The Train
So this guy is going on a business trip, and he has to take his secretary with him. The secretary is really crazy about him too. The first night on the train, she’s in the top bunk and he’s in the bottom bunk.
“Mr. Ford? I’m cold! I need a blanket.” She says.
“Miss Miller, how would you like to pretend you’re Mrs. Ford tonight?” he asks.
“Oh, I certainly would!” she replies happily.
“Good,” he says, “then get your own darn blanket!”
Attitude
A marriage counselor was attempting to find out something about his patient’s attitude by asking her some questions. “Did you wake up grumpy this morning?” he asked.
“No,” replied the woman, “I just let him sleep.”
Yuppie Not From Fargo
A yuppie walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw. The salesman recommends the top of the line, knowing the yuppie has the money for it. The yuppie buys it, but brings it back a day later, complaining that it only cut down one tree and it took forever.
The salesman takes the chainsaw from him, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the startled yuppie says, “What’s that noise?”
Last Request
A man’s on the electric chair, getting ready to meet his maker. The warden is preparing to throw the switch when the man gets the hiccups. The warden says, “Do you have any last requests?”
The man replies, “(hic) Yeah! (hic) Could you please do (hic), could you please do (hic) something to scare me?”
Groan!!
Why are seagulls called seagulls?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
Missing
A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing. When the police arrived and asked for a
description, she said, “He’s six-foot-tall, with wavy blond hair and an athletic build.”
The police went door-to-door looking for more information.
But the woman who lived at the next house said, “What? That woman’s husband is five-foot-four, with no hair and a beer belly the size of
The police immediately returned to ask the first lady why she gave a false description for her husband.
The lady sighed and replied, “Just because he’s missing, that doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Clever Husband
One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party.
Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.
Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked,
“Honey,have you seen my other shoe?”
Swanky Desert
A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink. As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel. He asked the man if he had something to drink.
The man on the camel said “No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties. Would you like to buy one?”
“No!” The first man replied. “Are you crazy? I need something to drink, not a tie!”
So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days. Finally he came upon a cantina. He gratefully approached the doorman at the cantina and said “Thank God I made it! Can I get in and get some water?”
The doorman frowned at him. “Not without a tie.”
The Operation
After undergoing a complicated intestinal operation, a man kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. His nurse, knowing that there was no reason his head should hurt, and concerned that he might be suffering from some post-operation shock, spoke to the doctor about the man’s pain.
”Oh, don’t worry about that, nurse,” the doctor said. “His head does hurt. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”
The Barber Shop
Entering a barber shop for a shave, a man mentions to the barber that he has had some problems getting a close shave on his cheeks.
”I have just the thing,” the barber told him. He fished around in a nearby drawer and handed the man a small wooden ball. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The man put the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeded to give him the closest shave he had ever received. Halfway through the experience, the man grunted to the barber, “But what if I swallow the ball?”
”Don’t worry about it,” the barber replied. “Just bring it back to me tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Three Nurses
Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them.
“What did you used to do back on Earth?” he asked the first nurse. “Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?”
She told him, “I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children.”
“Very noble. You may enter.” And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse.
“I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God’s love.” The second nurse replied.
“Excellent!” said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse.
She hesitated, then explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.”
St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, “Well, you can enter, too.”
“Wow!” the nurse exclaimed in relief. “I almost thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can certainly come in,” St. Peter told her, “but you can only stay for three days.”
Christian Computing
Jesus and Satan are sitting around in the world between, having an argument over who is the better programmer. They discuss this for several hours until they agree to hold a contest, with God as the judge. Sitting at their computers, they begin typing furiously, lines of code filling up the screens, for almost three hours. Seconds before the contest is to end, a bolt of lightning takes out the electricity. A few moments later, power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show him his programming. Visibly upset, Satan says, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Let’s see if Jesus has fared any better,” God says. Jesus pulls up his screen and shows God a vivid display as the voices of an angelic choir resound from the speakers.
Satan is shocked. “But how?” he cries. “I lost everything, but Jesus’ program is intact?”
“How did he do it?” God laughed. “Everyone knows...Jesus saves.”
Broker Back In School
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline “Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog.”
The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, “Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot.”
Quiet Man
A man walks into his doctor’s office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, “I can’t talk! Help me!”
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table.
The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a hammer and hit the man’s thumb with it as hard as he could.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” the man yelled.
“Good, good.” The doctor said. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll learn B.”
Produce Market
One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“
“Well, why did you leave
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from
The boy replied, “No kidding? What team did she play for?”
Texas
On a vacation to
impressed. “We have wheat fields that are twice as large as this one,” he told the Aussie.
The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows off his big herd of cattle.
“Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these,” the Texan bragged.
The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field. “What the heck are those?” he asks.
The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look. “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in
Investment Counselor
After starting her own business, an investment counselor found that her business was going so well that she needed to get in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers.
“In this business,” she stated to one of her first applicants, “our personal integrity must be beyond
question. Do you consider yourself an honest lawyer, Mr. Ford?”
“I certainly do!” replied the lawyer. “I’m so honest that after my father loaned me fifteen thousand dollars for my education, I paid back every penny after my very first case.”
The investment counselor was impressed. “What sort of case was it?” she asked.
The lawyer pressed his lips tightly for a moment before finally answering, “He sued me for the money.”
Sweaty Religious Men
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from town.
The men ran for cover, with the minister and priest covering their privates and the rabbi covering his face. After the ladies were gone and the men had retrieved their clothes, the minister asked the rabbi why he covered his face and not his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Border Crossing
A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
"Get them off. We need to take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.
"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"
The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"
Monkey Beer
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Taking a sip, he sets it down, but while he's looking around the bar, a monkey runs along the bar and steals the pint of beer from him. The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey, and the bartender points to the piano player.
The man walks over to the piano and says, "Do you know your monkey stole my beer?"
"No," the pianist replies, "but if you hum it, I'll play it."
Traffic Stop
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
"No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried again.
"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm not interested in what you have to say!" the officer barked.
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Getting Into Heaven
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not easy to get into heaven. There are some criteria that must be met before entry is allowed. For example, was the man a church-goer or religious? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous, giving money to the poor or to charities? No? St. Peter told him that that, too, was bad.
Did he do any good deeds, such as helping his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, the Saint says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, here! I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man thinks for a minute, then says, "Well, I did help this old lady once. I came out of a store and saw that a dozen Hell's Angels had taken her purse and were shoving her around. I threw my bags down and got her purse back, then I told the biggest biker there that he was cowardly and I spat in his face."
"Wow," said St. Peter, "That's impressive! When did this happen?"
"Oh, about 15 minutes ago," replied the man.
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda. As he relaxed, he watch a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him by about 25 feet and filled in the hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. Overcome by curiousity, the fellow headed for the first man. "Hey there," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"We work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Isn't that a waste of the county's money?"
"Well," one of the men replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yeah," Mike added. "Just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
Divorce Court
A woman with 14 children, ranging in age from one to fourteen, went to court to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
"When did he leave you?" the judge asked.
"Thirteen years ago," the tired mother replied.
The judge was confused. "Well, if he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?"
"Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."
Dental Vacation
On vacation, a woman and her husband had to make an emergency visit to a dentist. "I want a tooth pulled," the woman demanded. "And don't bother with the Novocain either, because we're really in a hurry. Just take out the tooth and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was impressed. "You're certainly a very brave woman! Which tooth is it?"
The woman pushed her husband forward. "Show him your tooth, dear."
Homework Tales
"Duane, where's your homework?" Miss Malone said sternly to the boy, holding out her hand.
"I don't have it," the boy replied. "My dog ate it."
"Duane, I've been a teacher for twenty years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?"
"I swear it's true!" insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he did eat it!"
Hobo
Walking up to the front door of a big farmhouse, a hobo knocked lightly on the door until the owner answered. The hobo said, "Please, sir, could I have something to eat? I haven't had a meal in days."
The well-dressed homeowner said, "I may have made a fortune supplying goods to people, but I never give away anything for nothing. However, if you go around to the back of the house, you'll fine a gallon of paint and a clean brush. Paint my porch and I'll give you a good meal."
The hobo headed off to the back of the house and a few hours later he came back to knock on the door again. The homeowner was surprised. "Finished already? That's great! Come on in and sit down, and I'll have the cook bring you a meal."
"Thank you, sir!" the hobo said. "I should tell you though, that you don't know your cars. That's not a Porch. It's a BMW."
Question Time
A little boy, covered in mud from rolling around in the yard with his friends, ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Eyeing all the dirt and thinking this was a new game, his mother replied, "Well I don't know. Who are you?"
"WOW!" the boy yelled. "Mrs. Baker was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
The Mime
While attempting to earn some money as a street performer at the zoo, an out-of-work mime got an offer from the zookeeper. The zoo's most popular attraction, the gorilla, had suddenly died and the zookeeper wanted the mime to dress up like a gorilla to keep attendance up until another gorilla was found. The mime accepted the offer.
The next morning, he suited up and entered the gorilla cage before the crowds arrived. He had a great time sleeping, playing, swinging on tires, and making fun of people, but eventually the crowds were tiring of his antics and started paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. The mime wanted the attention by this point, so he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition and dangled from the top of the lion's cage. The visitors loved it. At the end of the day, the zookeeper gave him a raise for keeping the crowds so entertained.
This continued for several days, with the crowds growing larger all the time. But one day, the mime slipped and fell into the lion's cage. The lion prepared to pounce on the terrified man. The mime ran around the cage, yelling and screaming for help, but the lion was quick and pinned him to the ground.
He looked up at the lion with fear showing through his gorilla mask, when the lion growled and said, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Captain Speaking
A plane took off from
Silence followed for several minutes. Finally the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry for the earlier scare. While I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
Back in coach, a passenger said to the person next to him, "That's nothing! He should see the back of mine!"
School Grades
When Kristi got home from school, she proudly told her father that she got a 100 in school that day. Pleased, her father told her to sit down and tell him all about it.
"Well," Kristi explained, "I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!"
Apples
Teacher: "If you had six apples and I asked you for three, how many would you have left?"
Student: "Six."
Swearing Kid
A teacher was upset that one little boy was swearing in class. "Todd," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear those words?"
"My daddy says that," Todd replied.
"Well, that doesn't matter," the teacher explained. "I don't want to hear that language in here again." Turning away, the teacher muttered "At least he doesn't know what it means."
"I do, too!" the little boy replied. "It means the car won't start!
IQ
At a party, Albert Einstein introduces himself to the first person he sees and immediately asks, "What is your IQ?"
"241," the man replies.
"Wonderful!" Albert says. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert then introduces himself to a woman nearby, asking, "And what is your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"Great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Moving around the room, Albert pulls aside another man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert lets go of his arm and takes his hand to shake it, saying, "Hello Mr. President!"
Hospital Kids
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze!"
"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.
"A circumcision." The first kid replys woefully.
The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"
Try, Try Again
Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen.
The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."
Husband's Checkup
After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office. The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and a especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he'll pull through."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
"You're going to die." she replied.
Suspicious Mom
Karl invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother eyed his beautiful roommate, suspicious that there was more than just a "roommate" situation going on.
Karl saw her staring at Ellen. "I know what you're thinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends."
A week later, Ellen said, "Karl, ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the silver soup ladle. Surely she wouldn't have taken it, would she?"
"I really don't think so," Karl replied. "I'll write her a letter to ask, though." He got a sheet of paper, sat down, and wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm not saying you took our silver soup ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't take it. But our soup ladle has been missing ever since you came to dinner."
A few days later, he received a reply from his mother.
"Dear son, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with Ellen, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with Ellen. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the soup ladle by now. Love, Mom."
English Professor
An English professor wrote these words on the blackboard, directing his students to punctuate it correctly.
"Woman without her man is nothing."
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Tell The Maid
Mrs. Ford sobbed to her maid, "Oh Beverly, I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I can't believe that!"
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