Jokes from the Net

Motorcycle Riders

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."

"Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.

A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"

"Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

Worth A Thousand Words

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.

"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"

Just A Quick Beer

Tony comes home from an exhausting day at work, throws himself down on the couch in front of the television, telling his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." His long-suffering wife sighs and fetches him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, Tony yells out, "Hey, get me another beer before it starts." His wife gives him an angry look, but gets him another beer anyway, and slams it down on the table next to him.

He quickly finishes that beer and yells," Quick, get me another beer! It's going to start any minute!"

Well, now his wife has had enough. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Swill beer and sit on your behind in front of the TV? You're just a lazy, drunken slob!"

Tony sighs and leans back into the couch. "It's started."

Old Lady

An old lady stood at the railing of a cruise ship, holding on tight to her hat so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon my forwardness, madam, but were you aware that your dress is blowing up in the wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam," the gentleman said in a worried tone, "you must know that your private parts are exposed!"

The old lady glanced down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Two Bats

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

Dog Day

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

Affairs Times Three

Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day. His friend John says, "Guys, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. I came home the other day and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His friend Sean said, "Well I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I came home the other day and found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."

Greg said, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both of his friends just stared at him.

"I'm serious!" he said. "The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!"

College Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus. "The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you're caught a third time."

A male student in the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?"

Car Wreck

On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured. The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."

The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"

"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

Silly Stuff

A neutron in a bar has just finished his drink. "How much do I owe you?" the neutron asks the bartender.

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

Time To Go To School

One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school."

"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.

His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

"Not good enough," the mother replied.

"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school."

"One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."

One Liners

Q: What does an athiest say during sex?

A: Oh, Darwin! Oh, Darwin!!

Q: What's 200 feet long and has six teeth?

A: The front row at a Willie Nelson Concert.

School Boy Grammar

Little Tony was late getting to his small town school. His teacher demanded to know why he was so late.

"My big brother got shot in the butt!" Tony said.

The teacher corrected him, "Rectum."

Tony said, "Wrecked him? Mom said it damn near killed him!"

Tee Off

Bob stood over his tee shot, adjusting and readjusting his stance over and over again, making his golf buddy crazy. Finally his friend said, "What the hell is taking you so long! Hit the ball already!"

"Give me a minute," Bob replied. "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse and I want to make this a perfect shot."

His friend said, "Man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

The Model

A man named Dave and model Elle MacPherson were stranded together on a deserted island after a plane crash. After a few days together, they fell in love and started sharing a hut. As time passed, however, Dave seemed frustrated and unhappy, so Elle asked if there was anything she could do to make him feel better.

"Could you put on this baseball cap and go to the other side of the island?" Dave asked. "And when I see you, will you answer me if I call you Joe?"

She agreed and went off to the other side of the island. The next day, Dave walked around the small island and found her on the beach. "Hi, Joe!" he yelled.

"Hey Dave, what's up?" she replied.

"Joe, you won't believe it," he said. "I've been sleeping with Elle MacPherson for the past two weeks!"

Chicken Prep

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked.

"Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied.

"Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

All In The Design

Three bright young engineering students gathered in the lab to discuss what manner of person must have designed the human body. The first one said, "It was a mechanical engineer. The joints are proof of that."

The second one replied, "I disagree. Obviously it took an electrical engineer to create a nervous system with many thousands of electrical connections."

The third one had the last word on the subject. "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Responsibility

During an interview, the employer said to the applicant, "In this particular job, it's very important that we hire someone who is responsible!"

The applicant replied, "Then I'm the one you want! In my last job, every time something went wrong, they said I was responsible!"

A Young Man's Disorder

A young Jewish man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder. "Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist. "As soon as I fall asleep and being to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"

Good Ol' Boys

Junior and Sam, two good 'ol American boys, were driving down the road one day, happily drinking from their six-pack of beer. Junior looks up and says, "Lookee up thar, Sam. I sees a real po-leece roadblock."

"Well, Junior, them po-leece are gonna catch us a-drinkin'." Sam replies.

"No sir-ee, they won't. You jus' do exactually like I says," Junior warns. "Finish that beer, pull off that there label, and stick that bottle under yer seat. Then you stick that there label on yer forehead."

Sam does exactly as Junior tells him to. They slow down and stop at the roadblock. The policeman walks up to the car, sees the beer labels stuck on their foreheads and asks, "You boys been drinking?"

"No sir-ee," Junior declares. "We're on the patch!"

No Hablo

A person who speaks three languages is called "tri-lingual," and a person who speaks two languages is called "bi-lingual," but what do you call a person who only speaks one language?

American!

Doggygram

On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line.

"Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?"

"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies.

The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price."

The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

Painting Nuns

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

Repeat Offender

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"

"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"

Negotiating Lawyers

Two lawyers walked along a city street, negotiating a tough case.

"Look," said the first lawyer, "let's just be honest with each other."

"Okay," the other replied, "you first."

That was the end of their discussion.

Darting Chicken

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

Call The Police!

An old lady called up the police department and got a policeman sent to her address. She told him, "Officer, there's a man exposing himself in the building next to mine!"

The concerned officer said, "Where is he, lady?"

"Right over there! He's still shamelessly baring himself!"

The officer couldn't tell where she was pointing. "I'm sorry, but I still can't see a naked man over there."

The old lady pulled him over to her window. "Oh, you have to look through this telescope."

Mole Hole

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!"

The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!"

The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.

Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

Parrot Shopping

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Birthday Surprise

For his 40th birthday, an eye doctor had his friends and family come over to his house. After everyone had arrived, his wife blindfolded him and led him to a table where she had placed his surprise cake. Taking off his blindfold, the doctor took one look at the cake and burst into laughter. In front of him was a huge cake with 40 candy eyes decorating it! When he couldn't stop laughing, one guest asked him what was so funny.

The doctor wiped his eyes and through his giggles said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who'll be 40 next week. He's a gynecologist!"

Bad News

A man wasn't feeling well so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a long wait for the results, the doctor finally came back out.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh no! I can't believe it!" says the man. "How long do I have?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "What do you mean by that? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

The Lawyer's BMW

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"Geez! Could you be more materialistic?" asked the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

The lawyer finally noticed the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Oh my gosh! Where's my Rolex???!!!"

Airline Troubles

When an airliner began having engine trouble, the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. After giving them time to instruct the passengers, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in safely and ready for the landing.

"We're all set except for one passenger, Captain." the lead flight attendant replied. "One lawyer is still going from row to row passing out business cards."

Sharing Is Caring

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Oh, that's just because we aren't married yet."

Keep An Eye On Her

A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately. After about a week with no contact, the businessman received a telegram containing only one sentence.

"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday."

Language Skills

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Marta said, "My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Sarita raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals."

"That's good, too," said the teacher, "but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Billy said proudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

Millions Of Dollars?

A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."

"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire."

Lemon Picking

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Supermarket Shopper

In a large supermarket, a man approached a very beautiful woman and said, "I've lost track of my wife in here. Could you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."