Many Jokes

A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."



A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"


A man entered the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls and sat down next
to a blond. The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging
pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it
hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


A blond gets tired of it all and dyes her hair. She's now a brunette and feels *much* smarter. Everyone tells her she's smarter. So she goes for a drive in the country one day and stops in a lane which is blocked by a herd of sheep. She gets out, talks to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

He looks perplexed but says, "Sure."

So she says, " Uh....157?"

He says, "My God, that's correct. Take a sheep. "

So she wanders among the herd. She likes this one and that one and finally is very attracted to one that wags its tail and likes her. She picks it up and puts in it the car.

The farmer says, "Can I make a deal with you?"

"Sure, " says she.

He says, "If I can guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"


It's not too often that you hear a joke about blond guys...

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."


Rolex & Timex

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooo," answered the blonde . "They're watch dogs!"


Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. All over America, people were thinking: Semper Fi, Marine !


What Kind of Punishment Fits this Airman?


A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air
Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive
to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The aircraft commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in
arriving, and the airman performing the job was extremely slow
in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the airman for his slowness and
promised punishment, the airman responded, "Sir, I have no
stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm
pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to
do to punish me?"


Accidental deaths: Number of physicians in the U.S –700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year –120,000 Accidental deaths per physician –0.171. Number of gun owners in the U.S –80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year –1,500. Accidental deaths per gun owner –0.000018. Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.



Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."


Strange New Word Definitions

Smile - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Rumor - News that travels faster than the speed of sound.

Dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

College - A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Ecstasy - A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.

Marriage - It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master degree.

Worry - Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.

Tears - The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom Bomb - An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.