The New Lawyer
After successfully passing the bar exam, Allan opened up his own law office. One day he was sitting idly at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him in!" Allan exclaimed. An idea popped into his head and he quickly picked up the phone as his secretary was returning with the man. Allan shouted into the phone, "...and you can tell them that we won't accept less than sixty thousand, and don't call me again until you agree to that amount!" He slammed down the phone and stood up to greet his visitor. "Good morning, Mr. Jones! What can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to connect your phone."
The Happy Couple
Joe had lived with his wife Mary in their little home deep in the woods for fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to the big city and they checked into an upscale hotel.
Mary had a complaint for the bellman. "We refuse to settle for such a small room. We don't have any windows or fan, or even a bed!"
"But, Madam!"
Mary interrupted the man. "Don't you 'But, Madam' me!" she stormed. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and we've never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager!"
"But, Madam," the bellman finally got out, "this isn't your room. It's the elevator!"
The Mule And The Mother-In-Law
The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"I see,"
"Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
One For The Boys And One For The Girls
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.
Hotel Rest Stop
A man and his wife had been traveling for 18 hours when they decided to stop for a few hours to rest. They checked into a nice hotel and slept for four hours. When they were ready to continue their trip, they went downstairs to pay their bill. The desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man exploded, and said the bill was too high, asking to see the manager. The manager met them at the front desk and explained that the hotel has an olympic pool and a nice conference room and they were available for the couple's use. "But we didn't use them!" the man complained. The manager insisted that the room and pool were available for them, as well as tickets to several shows. The man explained they didn't use any of those things, to which the manager replied, "But you could have."
Finally, needing to get back on the road, the man wrote a check for $100. The manager looked at the check and said, "This is only for $100."
The man replied, "That's right. I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't sleep with her!" the manager said.
The man smiled and said, "Yeah, but she was here and you could have."
The Dark Secret
One day a classmate told little Timmy that most adults have at least one dark secret and that they can be easily blackmailed simply by saying, "I know the whole truth." Timmy decided to try it out. He went home and when his mother greeted him, he frowned and said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father!"
This worked so well for Timmy that he decided to see what he could get from his father. When his father got home, Timmy greeted him at the door and said, "I know the whole truth." His father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't tell your mother!"
Very pleased, Timmy headed out the door to school the next day when he ran into the mailman. He greeted the mailman with his new phrase, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman dropped his mail, opened his arms, and said, "Then come give your daddy a big hug!"
The Baby Sister
Taking care of his baby sister one day while his parents went shopping, young John decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. When his parents returned later in the day, John told them, "I'll never take her fishing with me again! I didn't catch a thing!"
His mother patted him on the shoulder and said," Oh, I'm sure she'll be nice and quiet next time and not scare away all the fish."
John replied, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"
The Bartender
A man walks into a bar one night, goes up to the bar, and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
"That's right." The barman replied.
So the guy glanced over at the menu, and asked, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replied the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?"
"Four cents," the barman said.
"Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replied, "Upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender smiled. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Captain Bravado
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
The Affair
A married man and his secretary were having a passionate affair. One afternoon they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making love. Then they fell asleep, not waking until 8:00 pm. Alarmed, they quickly dressed, and the man told the secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. She was bewildered, but did as he asked.
Finally getting home, the man's wife met him at the door. She asked him tearfully where he had been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
A Morning Accident
One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
Proctologist's Examination
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam - I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?"
The doctor immediately became enraged and stormed over to the door, flinging it open, and yelling at the nurse, "For the last time, I said I wanted a BUTT LIGHT!"
Police Safety
One day in court, the prosecuting lawyer asked the farmer on the witness stand, "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the policeman you had never felt better in your life?"
"That's right." The farmer replied.
"Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
The farmer explained. "When the policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
Strong Young Man
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
Smart Remarks
One Saturday afternoon while watching TV, Bob's wife interrupts his football game. "Honey, could you please fix the light in the hallway?"
Bob gives her an angry look and says, "Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It doesn't shut right."
"Oh, right. And does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!" He turns back to his game.
"Fine, then just fix the steps to the front door before someone falls through them."
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want the fix the steps during the game! Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!"
After a few hours at the bar watching the game, Bob starts to feel guilty about how he reacted and decides to go back home and do some chores. Entering the house, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the hall light is working. Getting another beer, he sees that the fridge door is fixed as well. "Honey, how did you get all of this fixed?" he asks.
She answers, "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. A young man walked by and asked what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs if I would either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
Bob asks, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
His wife replies, "Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?"
Kiddie Humor
Q: If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and you're an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are IN the bathroom?
A: European.
Vet's Office
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"
The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."
Statues
Two statues in a city park, one female and one male, had faced each other for many years. One morning, an angel appeared and told the statues, "Since you have both brought enjoyment to many people for years, I'm giving you your greatest wish and bringing you to life for 30 minutes. In that time you may do whatever you like." And the statues came to life.
Smiling at each other, they ran toward a stand of trees and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled as she listened to them giggling and rustling in the grass. After 15 minutes, the statues emerged from the bushes, smiling and happy. The angel was puzzled. "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"Oh, yes!" the female statue said. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"
Church Service
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Police Station Trip
Little Joe's kindergarten class took a field trip to the local police station and saw the pictures on the bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One young lad pointed to a photo and asked if it was really a wanted criminal.
"Yes," a policeman explained. "The detectives want very much to catch that bad man."
Joe piped up. "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?
That Dog Won't Hunt
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"
"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"
"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on."
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
"What the heck was that for?" he demanded.
"Your dog just called."
Buddies Crash
After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"
Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."
Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives."
Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Yard Work
When Phil's power mower broke down, his wife Kristi kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass got too tall, but the message wasn't sinking in, and Phil kept putting off the repairs. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When Phil arrived at home one day, he found her sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house. Coming back in a few minutes, he handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The Cemetery
Walking home after a Halloween party, two young men decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery for a thrill. They both stopped abruptly when they heard a mysterious tap-tap-tapping noise in the shadows. Their eyes grew large until the mist cleared and they saw an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping at one of the headstones.
"Geez, mister!" one of them exclaimed. "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
The old man replied angrily, "Those darn fools misspelled my name!"
Mom?
Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
"I'm sorry for your loss," the young man replied. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well, as I'm leaving, could you just say 'Goodbye, mother!?' It would make me feel so much better." She gave him a sweet smile.
"Of course I can," the young man promised. As she gathered her bags and left, he called out "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile. Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. "That amount is wrong," he said. "I only have a few items!"
"Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her," explained the clerk.
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